Clique.

The more I learn, the less I know.-someone who probably knew more (or less?) than me
; Voltaire I think.

Nearing the end of T3M this summer, we discussed what we had learned in that two week class. My head was jam packed, but when it came my turn to talk about what I had learned; I put two fingers barely an inch apart and said simply "about this much."

And it's true, I have so much more to learn. Every little thing reminds me.

As I sat in my little Reform Shul's little Shabbat Shachrit minyan minus 1, I tried my hardest to pray. I generally concentrate on my prayers but recently I've found my mind drifting at all times, apparently (and most unfortunately) prayer included.

I lack a familiarity with the usual minyan there.

For this reason, I find myself missing those minyans at Kutz, even the minus 8 minyan once. They taught me a lot; they kicked my Jewish identity up and down the long beaten path; they shaped my own minchag; they changed the way I looked at prayer. I miss those early morning minyans.

I also miss Israeli dancing. Celebrate Shabbat in the most touristy American fashion we can: "super chouette!" I loved it, just watching was enough to keep me exhausted. i loved that song sway like a palm tree though, I danced once or twice to it.

But I digress, I want that kol echad sort of feeling I had in that pagota back here. It's a lot to ask and daily davening cannot be replaced by one Shabbat minyan a week, it just can't. But at one point during our little Reform/Recon service, somewhere between readings from Heshel, from Kol Haneshama, a Recon Aleinu and saying Kaddish with nine people present, I felt such a familiarity rush back to me that I prayed a prayer that wouldn't usually be a prayer as loud as the Hazzan if not louder.

Tsadik katamar yifrach Ke'erez bal'vanon yisgeh.

Every week we say it, every week I'm the loudest. It just feels right to me, the message, the melody, everything.

I've been singing it all day can't get it out of my head, so when I got home just a few minutes ago, I looked it up. Thank you audio searches. But for some reason, I couldn't find a lyrical version. This frustrated me, my favorite psalm and no lyrics? Bah.

But the third non-lyrical version hit a switch. That familiarity switch: I know this song! This prayer is the Israeli dance song I love! Of course sway like a palm tree!

The righteous man will flourish like the palm tree!

This makes all too much sense all of a sudden, but this loosely based coincidental realization just leads back to the beginning of this post.

If I didn't know this about my favorite psalm and favorite dance tune, what else don't I know? Even such a simple thing had slipped my notice, who's to say more important things haven't? Of course they have, this post would be a waste if the only thing I was thinking about was this psalm, there's just one more thing on my mind. One more thing that the internet doesn't have to know; one more thing that no one but myself has to know. For now at least.

So, if there are two things to be learned from this, (1) never stop nearing, you won't know nearly little enough, and (2) sway like a palm tree.

Untold frustrations of self image, or confessions to a blank web page

It's weird you know, I face this mess of a life I've created everyday. Here is kind of an unedited, unabridged version of what I think about it:

Simply, I have made many mistakes in the past. Probably too many. I don't like to think of them as mistakes, I like the term "learning experiences' but that stupid euphemism just doesn't describe them. Things you learn from are soon forgotten, their lessons remembered; mistakes, on the other hand, stay with you. Sometimes not even mistakes. Sometimes it's just a shit-happens issue. For the life of me, I cannot decide which of the two is worse.

On second thought. It's late. I'm tired. If I have the energy, passion, or some incentive to write more about this tomorrow, maybe I can give me conscience some reprieve.

My place.

Last night I had an interesting conversation with a friend and teacher about our places in the reform movement. Today, I doubt myself in the strangely ideal place to continue my thoughts.

Tonight I did not attend services as I would have liked, rather my mother required my services. I was to take care of about 15 little kids with the help of a few others. Before everyone arrived we were setting up as I sang some of my favorite Shabbat melodies...about 10 miles from my Temple...in a church lobby. Right after my dad got the McDonald's and I was forced to eat, as I am every first Friday of the month, that terrible treif, or unkosher food, my thoughts turned to my place. My place there was simple, I was helping my family as it expected. Yet, that conversation I had popped into my mind.

What is my place in this movement of mine?

Well there began my pondering. My experience with the URJ has been quite a good one. I have not attended a function in which I felt a Jewish choice of mine was simply disregarded and I was not allowed the ability to follow my decision. Then again, I eat treif and observe Shabbat in a way some would consider no observance at all, driving and the like, and consider every thing in life a choice, everything.

It seems my place in this movement is rooted in NFTY, appropriate, considering I am a Reform youth. Yet, NFTY is such a holy place to me. It is a place of absolute expression of one's Judaism free from any fear of criticism. It is a place to learn and grow in my own way. I am thankful I have been given this opportunity.

Still, I can't help but think that all this is true because NFTY is run so directly by my peers, of my peers, and for my peers, myself included. I worry, with all I've seen recently, what my place will be when these glory days are over and my place in the movement changes. If my place becomes that of Rabbi, college student, or temple member, what will my place be? Will I too struggle with my place in what I consider my own movement as many of my friends have? Will I loose sight of what it is to be Reform in my mind, what the movement means?

As I think these things, I choose to enjoy the time I have left and hope for the best after this whole high school thing. Until then, I'm just gonna eat the chicken nuggets because everything else from McD's tastes awful.

I feel like this entry was not as well expressed as I had wanted. I'm tired.