Talking to God.

My friends are inspiring. So inspiring they help me articulate things that have been brewing in my mind for ages.

I wish this could be as good as the way I said it before but I know that will probably never come out the same again. Here goes.

When I pray I talk to God, what I say is another matter entirely:

Sometimes, I pray spontaneously for whatever seems appropriate at the time.

Sometimes, I sing psalms to God praising It.

Sometimes, I recite the testaments of my faith in God contained in the Sh'ma and it's blessings.

Sometimes, I address God as people would have addressed an ancient ruler saying the Amidah and and the prayers and requests contained therein.

Sometimes, I petition to God silently to myself, like after the Amidah, where I ask for courage, strength, and ability to accomplish all my goals and dreams.

Sometimes, I thank God for making me different and special like in the Aleinu and all other reasons to say that blessing.

Sometimes, I praise God as in the Kaddish and reflect on It's greatness.

Sometimes, I just ask God to help with the fixing of the world and all that goes into that.

But all times and always, I talk to God. Using whatever inflection I deem appropriate, I talk to God because I want that connection, that's why I pray.

I. We. I verus we. I and we.

It's the ultimate showdown in cooperation. The community I belong to and the beliefs I hold.

Should I send that e-mail relating to the service I'm supposed to plan on Shabbat? My community would say no, that to communicate in such a way pertaining to Temple matters on the Sabbath would be ill advised. My thinking is that I have to get it done and I happen to have time on Shabbat and it does nothing to interfere with my decision and method of observance, so why not?

Money cannot exchange hands prior to the Kabbalat Shabbat service, well why not? Are we to go to such lengths to prevent exchanging money on the Sabbath at Temple yet the next day probably purchase a good or two? So is this the reason we cannot have a donation box for a social action event, really?

Is it that important that we observe a tradition that may not be our personal one in order to not transgress in the name of Judaism, working for the temple or on the Temple grounds? Is this not a bit hypocritical of us?

Assuming we do not force others to donate or carry money and respond or check their own e-mail, would it not be totally acceptable to follow our own Sabbat beliefs even at a building called "Temple"?

Consonants make you sound smart.

I couldn't believe it. A Reform Hazzan stood in front of a group of 6th-graders and said to them: If someone in the back is being obnoxious and standing, that's fine, once they realize we're all waiting for them, they'll usually get embarrassed and sit down.

Now, don't quote me, but that was the spirit of the speech. Now isn't it sort of a sad state of affairs when standing for the V'ahavta is "obnoxious"? Shouldn't the person leading the prayer lead and let the person praying pray how they would like? Is that not what this movement is all about?

Or is there Reform minchag, or tradition, that is more binding than halacha, or law, seeing as we sort of build our own practice in this movement? Right? Should I sit during the V'ahavta if I stand for Sh'ma? Is it anyone's business but my own?

I like to think after doing my research and learning my facts I'm making an informed decision to say Sh'ma, and therefore V'ahavta, in the position I happen to find myself after the blessings that accompany the prayer. Or even if it is my choice to dance around, should that not be acceptable if that is how I choose to say/sing/hum/coo/lullaby/play-the-harp-to/whatever-it-is-I-do? I think it should. Who cares how I pray but me and God.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of my choice of prayer. I do it because I like it, the things I do feel right to me. It is really important to the community that I pray the way they choose to and say the words they say?

I think the way we take this pluralism thing to heart is weird.

Josh is lonely.

In a world full of people.

Seems like a facebook status and a facebook world. Surrounded by people but having a hard time finding a meaningful relationship. It's so hard to find a dialog, an I thou moment. Everyone seems more interested in themselves and cheap thrills to care even the slightest about something important.

I suppose it's a symptom of adolescence in some way. Everyone seems really interested in partying and having a "good time" but all I want to do is talk about life. I want to talk about holiness, what's confusing, why (why not?) tradition is important. Well, you get the point.

But, I'm not obnoxious enough to claim that this is all I have wanted. Now that I'm interested, I think about it more, before I did think of cheap thrills. I needed something to get me thinking, motivated, and matured. But I am obnoxious enough to claim that I am these things now.

I'm looking for deeper meaning and deeper relationships. Moments sanctified in time by a holy connection that I feel with other human beings and myself and God. But that's a lot to ask at 16. I feel it might be asking too much, especially of the people with which I have become associated. But then what am I to do? Do I give up? Let these cheap things run my life until I've reached a stage where I can reach out? Is there a place that values thought and intellect where I can take refuge? Where is that place?

I feel like Sarasota is such a small place and I need more diversity within and outside my comfort zone. Above all else, I need peace, individuality, freedom, and autonomy. I guess that's it.

Too much?

Opposing view points.

Whenever I need a different opinion on a Jewish matter, I turn to one place: askmoses.com

It's ann interesting, very pro-Chassidic, as far as I'm concerned, site. There is always a conflicting opinion to be had and since I have little other source of Jewish scholarly knowledge (sad, I know), I turn there.

Tonight's matter: the 9th petition in the Amidah: right for us to ask God to cause suffering for the wicked?

Well?

Friendship,

What's friendship? Here's the contest, tell me what friendship is in one sentence. What it means to you. What it is to have a rapport or dialog instead of two monologues running on at once.

It is encouragement? Support in the face of adversity? Surely these things are a part of friendship, necessary to a healthy one.

But then, what is the course of action when these basic elements of a relationship break down. Do you abandon your friends when they do not support your decisions? Where do you turn if this becomes the case?

This one is difficult. Too hard I think. I could really use some support.

T'filah, davening, Amidah, Sh'ma; all that Jewish prayer.

I feel the week coming on, I really do. But I'm reminded of this week gone past. This week with all the good and bad.

I had a discussion with a good friend who gave some rather insightful advice, but more importantly was struggling herself. She was questioning why prayer was so rigid, citing the old baal t'filah practice of improvising the prayer followed by the chatimah, or last line of the prayer basically.

I must say I agree for the most part. That sort of prayer is ideal in some situations, if and only if the community enjoys that type of prayer and the baal himself is extremely knowledgeable in the prayer he happens to be leading. (Don't bash the he things, that's just the way English works. Could always be a woman. :])

But this weekend was an interesting prayer service experience for me. The NFTY-STR fall kallah, all our little youth groups gathering in one big movement. The premonition came quickly: the cover of our little print out siddur read, "party like a Rock STR...live like a jew!" We do it all the time, but it bothers me. Jew is capitalized. It is a proper noun so grammatically it should be and it is the name of our own people so why do ourselves this discredit? Move on, it's Shabbat, bring it in without conflict please.

Page 4:
Chatsi Kaddish
Barchu
"If we were forced to choose just one, there would be no way to deny that Judaism is the most important intellectual development in human history." - David Gelernter.
Ahavat Olam

Now, I can't imagine too many people even noticed this apart from me. But where was Ma'ariv? Surely that reading has little place replacing a prayer whose chatima involves the coming of night. Surely this self rightous quote does not replace our praise for God. So why there? And where is that prayer? I am reminded of that conversation I had so strongly...baal t'filah be dammed. This seems to have little knowledge involved.

Amidah for the service:
Avot
G'vurot
K'dushat HaShem
Shalom Rav

Four prayer. Four of seven included in our packet. I was perturbed.

And this post just wouldn't be the same without that delicious irony as the cherry on top; the weekend's theme: Pluralism. The study theme.

This especially got me thinking. What is the reasoning behind these alterations, surely there is one. Am I wrong in thinking these prayers should have been included? Am I wrong in believing it's wrong to leave them out? Was it wrong that we were told to Stand before Sh'ma and do what was our custom before the V'ahavtah? Was it wrong that it was printed before Sh'ma that is was the minchag of the temple to stand and hold hands during our holiest of prayers?

So what is pluralism then? Is there a line between tradition and pluralism? If so, where is it? Can a service be a service without these prayers? Is it a part of "pluralism" to leave these parts of the service out? Or, is it too far to leave out prayers for whatever reason?

I am torn, more heavily to one side, but that is irrelevant. What is pluralism?

It must have been 5th grade

Maybe 6th. But the rest of the story I remember all too clearly. It was Sunday School, after Hebrew of course, because I didn't even know that Alepf was silent so I still had to catch all that up before my b'nai mitzvah as it was. I didn't need to the pressure of feeling "Secular" surrounded by the "Jewish"kids saying prayers and all.

But thinking that Hebrew is all that makes that distinction is dead wrong. It was a nicer than normal day in class, considering it was mostly a quiet day and my fellow school mates were keeping to themselves; I didn't much like them back then. We were working on 5 adjectives to describe ourselves and I had come up with 3 when the teacher regrouped us.

"How many of you," she began, "described yourself as 'Jewish' on your list?"

I looked down and sure enough "Jewish" was no where to be found. In fact, I didn't even think of Jewish as a word to describe myself and was shocked when 2 or 3 of the kids raised their hands.

That was a long time ago, today Jewish is probably the number one word I would identify myself with. It bears so much more weight than just 'funny' or 'cute.' It means so little in relation to my personality, but so much in relation to my morality and belief. It's a different sort of descriptive word I find.

But how, is the problem, how do I incorporate this Jewish thing into a modern life? Can I be the Jew I want to be in the society in which I live? More and more the answer seems to be a begrudging "no."

Tsit-tsitot and kippot, shacharit and kabbalat shabbat, prayer and study, kashrut and shomrei shabbos. Things, Jewish things fundamentally, that I try or what to try to observe or do.

I wear my tallit katan and kippot, I try to pray shacharit so often and go to Friday night services at Shul, I pray when I can and study when I can.

Those last two. About those.

Keeping Kosher is something I want to try to do. But how? Tonight at dinner the only food available to me was a double cheeseburger and fries from McDs, not my favorite food at any rate, but sustenance. So what was I to do? I ate. I have given up on keeping Kosher at this point. There are too many instances where it is too easy to violate, unless I go veg...thoughts thoughts.

Observing the Sabbath. I had my own way. I didn't do school work, instead I took a day off to study, pray, sleep late, and just generally rest. It was good. It wasn't in keeping with what some might call Shomrei but, I observed in my own way. Now however, this Shabbat, I have a dilemma. I have an AP American History test on Monday for which I must read quite a lot of material, Sunday is not enough to cram. I have to do school work on my day of rest. My recovery from school work.

How do people make this modern Jewish thing work? how do you do what you want to do? How do you observe in your own way?

How do you do it in the modern day??

I miss it, I really do.

It's a lifestyle I once had. Today, I would consider it abysmal and foolish. Then, I was just confused and wanted no part of it. But right now, I feel like I want it back.

My old school was private, Jewish, and Orthodox, well to some extent. Every morning we would pray, I would sit there, confused. I hit a friend with a prayer booklet once; how was I to know it was wrong? I was young, but not young enough to be chastised by someone I didn't even know.

I yelled "BUM" every time it came around in services. I thought I was real funny. But It's not as if I understood the prayer, how was I to know better?

I didn't know why we had to walk 3 miles to a river to toss bread in or why there was a giant sukkah in the entrance of the school about this time of year. I didn't even like these things, more importantly, no one gave me a reason to care about them.

Yet, looking at my friend's older brother who went to this same school would have been enlightening today. He was learning Hebrew, not the "here is how to say cat" kind of stuff they taught us second graders, but the real thing, no vowels and all. He understood the walk to toss the bread and the sukkah as I do now.

But despite my improved knowledge, I can't help but feel that I missed out a lot of my Jewish education. I feel like I could have known so much more. Between daily Hebrew classes and a rabbi always on call, I could have explored so much. Would it have been worth it, though, in such a halachic community? Could my Judaism have survived without a sense of self-righteousness? I suppose these are the answerless questions.

That explain it though. That explain why I want what I want. I want Jewish understanding that I would have had in South Africa. I want to know everything I can learn. Jewish prayer, language, holidays, culture, history, everything. I want to know everything I missed out on.

I feel like I owe Reform Judaism my outlook on many things, but I feel like it owes me a Jewish education. I can't really blame the movement for my being Jewishly illiterate for so long, but I need a scapegoat. It's hard to have to blame oneself. But I was young and foolish, and the opportunity for an improved Jewish education in constantly on the horizon.

This semester in the shackles of a painfully boring secular education; next semester in Tzuba, next semester in Israel.